Collaborative Divorce, Peacemaking in a time of Transition
Joyce Tessier, LMFT
Summary:
As MFTs, we are first, relationship healers. However, often those healing efforts require the wisdom to know and accept that some relationships may not be capable of continued “survival.” If this is the case then healing must include a strategy for allowing the members of the relationship, be they spouses/ significant others, and/or children, to “come apart,” in a way that does not further erode individual integrities and wholeness, and stunt their psychic, spiritual, and economic resources for making a better future for themselves. Such “coming apart” is influenced by many cultural dimensions including, most notably, “the law” and our legal system. Unfortunately, that system is heavily “adversarial” adding stress and a sense of being very much out of control of one’s future.
It was easy to say “I do” and have all kinds of legal structures and strictures silently fall into place. These continued to almost imperceptibly accrue as jobs changed, possessions increased, and parenting responsibilities arose. Now, the couple seeking to disentangle from the “I do” may feel overwhelmed when faced with the adversarial nature the legal aspects of “coming apart.” To decrease the trauma of this change, there are resources available under the umbrella title “Collaborative Divorce.” We MFTs have the opportunity to learn of these in this meeting.
Objectives:
1. Gain an overview of Alternatives to Divorce Resolution (ADR)
2. Gain an understanding of Collaborative Divorce as a one of ADR approaches
3. Gain an understanding of the roles of the persons who are part of the Collaborative Divorce Process
4. Gain knowledge of the benefits of Collaborative Divorce to a divorcing couple and the family as an alternative to litigation.
Bio:
Joyce Tessier, LMFT, Collaborative Divorce Coach, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Upland since 1990. Her focus is counseling couples who want to make their relationship better through improved communication and understanding, whether they make up or break up. She earned an undergraduate degree in Behavioral Science from Cal Poly Pomona and a Master’s degree in Counseling from Cal State Fullerton. She has certificates in Alcohol/Drug Treatment and Paralegal Studies from the University of La Verne. Her unique training and experience includes extensive Marital Therapy and Collaborative Divorce coaching as well as law office writings on adoption, child custody, divorce and conciliation. As a collaborative divorce-trained coach and mediator, she is committed to helping families find a peaceful way to end their marriage without going to court. She is a founding board member of the Collaborative Divorce Professionals of the Inland Empire (CDPIE), a group of attorneys, mental health professionals, and financial specialists who work together in teams to help families through divorce. Their goal is to make the events of divorce as dignified and respectful as possible. The website is www.CDPIE.com. She can be reached at joycetessier@yahoo.com. Her website is www.joycetessier.com
Collaborate Divorce Synopsis:
In our March IE CAMFT meeting we were pleased to learn from Joyce Tessier, LMFT; Linda Shestock, LMFT, SEP; and Delilah Knox Rios, Attorney At Law, APLC. These articulate women told us about the divorce process and alternative divorce resolutions arising through efforts of doing Collaborative Divorce. Joyce Tessier, LMFT, is a Collaborative Divorce Coach who has been in private practice in Upland since 1990. She has done extensive Marital Therapy and Collaborative Divorce coaching, and has written articles on adoption, child custody, divorce and conciliation from a legal perspective. Joyce is a founding board member of the Collaborative Divorce Professionals of the Inland Empire (CDPIE), which is a group of attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists who work in teams to help families through divorce in the most dignified and respectful manner possible.
It is common knowledge that achieving a divorce can easily be a long, exhausting, and expensive process that leaves families torn apart in a jumbled mess of difficult emotions. Couples often divorce through litigation which, by nature, is a damaging and adversarial process. In litigation, parties relinquish their control to attorneys and judges, who decide the fate of their family assets in a long, public court process. Arbitration, mediation, and collaborative divorce are processes that can reduce the negative consequences that often arise in divorce by litigation.
Unfortunately, most people do not know about these alternative options. About 80% of those unaware of these alternatives do not have the financial means to hire attorneys, so they represent themselves in court in a litigation. This self-representation is generally the least costly up-front. However most individuals who represent themselves don't know the laws, consequently allowing them to easily make mistakes in the process that cost them more in the long run both financially and emotionally.
Joyce and her colleagues told us about arbitration, mediation, and collaborative divorce, and the reasons they favor collaborative divorce as the most beneficial alternative method of divorce. The major benefit of arbitration is that the process is done outside of court by a private judge or arbitrator, thus avoiding the long wait of the court calendar. However, this option is extremely expensive because the divorcing couple must pay for the private judge. Another downside to this method is that the decisions are made by the judge or arbitrator rather than by the couple.
Mediation is also done outside of court, completely privately, and is typically less costly than litigation and collaborative divorce. A mediator does not represent either spouse, but rather facilitates both parties in resolving issues and reaching decisions, avoiding a power imbalance. The mediator refers the parties to an attorney if legal issues arise during the process. A benefit of mediation is that the spouses are making the decisions rather than a judge.
Although collaborative divorce can be more costly than mediation, it helps couples to make the most informed decisions because the couple works with a collaboratively-trained interdisciplinary team including attorneys, divorce coaches, financial specialists, child specialists, and other experts (such as business valuation) if necessary. Before the process even begins, the couple must identify their goals in a mission statement so that it is clear throughout the process what all parties are working toward. In collaborative divorce, the specialists and their roles are:
- Attorney: Each spouse has an attorney to resolve any legal power imbalance issues. Rather than fight against each other, as in the litigation process, attorneys in collaborative divorce work together with the couple and the rest of the collaborative team to help the couple design a settlement agreement that is most appropriate for the entire family.
- Divorce Coach: Each spouse has a divorce coach who is a licensed health care professional. The coaches work with their spouse separately, as well as with the rest of the collaborative team to help the couple identify and prioritize concerns; improve communication skills and conflict resolution; reduce misunderstandings; and develop effective co-parenting skills. As each spouse works with a divorce coach and learns the above skills, the family moves through a divorce in a more emotionally healthy manner, reducing the fighting that ends in anger and resentment.
- Child Specialist: This person works with the children to provide them with an opportunity to voice their concerns regarding the changes being brought on by divorce; provides parents with the information and guidance they will need to help their children through the divorce in a healthy manner; and works with the collaborative team to help the parents to develop an effective co-parenting plan.
- Financial Specialist: One neutral financial specialist works with both spouses to take care of all the financial matters in the divorce. The major benefit of the financial specialist in collaborative divorce versus other divorce options, is that the financial specialist educates the spouses on the short and long-term (10 to 20 to 30 years later) consequences of the settlement plan being considered to ensure that the spouses have adequate information to make fully informed decisions that will benefit the entire family in the present and the future.
Overall, collaborative divorce is a great alternative for families going through a divorce because there is a whole team of experts guiding the couple through the process in a civil manner, with all parties committed to treating each other with respect and integrity, and coming up with solutions with which both spouses and the children are pleased. Collaborative divorce lets the couple make all the decisions rather than turning the power over to a judge or attorney, and no one has to go to court; it's a win/win situation from all angles. If you have any more questions about collaborative divorce, or are interested in more information you can visit the CDPIE website at www.CDPIE.com. You can also reach Joyce by email at joycetessier@yahoo.com, or visit her website at www.joycetessier.com. Thank you, Joyce, for your interesting and informative presentation (including handouts!) about divorce alternatives and the powerful benefits available through doing a collaborative divorce!